Jealous Makes You SIck

Sometimes I wonder why I hate this one girl so much. Sometimes I think it stems from the fact that my boyfriend left me to go to talk to her at a festival (we had just started dating and I was insecure). Sometimes I think it stems from the fact that she has never been nice to me or wanted to be my friend, but sometimes I realize that it’s probably that she living the life I would have had. The life I chose to abandon for what I am passionate about. The life of stability, tranquility and honor for a life that is a little bit more selfish. How can you compare oranges to apples? You can’t. So, then why do I compare myself to her so often? Why do I envy when she gets to travel and take great pictures and become who I thought I wanted to be? Do I still want to be that? Or is it simply that I miss the tranquility of knowing there was a job waiting for me at the end, a world in which there is direction and a set path to follow?

I realize that comparing myself to others is not fair for either one of the individuals in question but to me it is human nature. I want to feel that I am better than her in every possible way. Does this stem from the fact that I see her as a threat? Why do I feel this particular way towards her? Maybe because I think we are in the same level to be compared and I don’t feel successful enough to win. How can people call her not a catch when I think she is better than me? I wish I could stop comparing myself.

What am I good at?

Lately I've been thinking that I want to build an empire. I want to not just work but build something great, but what? In this modern world with so many people it's a question of beating people to the punch not just coming up with the idea. I am good at bargain shopping. I am good at waiting for a sale and keeping watch on items that I want but what about that? What can I do with that? I'm good at being resourceful when times call for temporary fixes but what then? What can I do? I just need to keep thinking this over. One of the hardest parts is coming up with what you want to do and then doing it. Let's see what happens. Sorry for the ramble just had to put it down on paper.

Love

Love is choosing the same person every day no matter how hard it is. Love is not all just passion. Love is loving just having their presence even when no one is talking. Love is accepting that we are all humans and make mistakes even if we don’t mean to. Love is learning to forgive even though it’s so fucking hard. Love is looking for compromises or creating one if it doesn’t exist. Most of all love is letting another person into your own world. 

Fitting in

If you don’t fit in, make your own place in this world. Trust me just like in class when you ask a question and you hear someone in the background say Oh thank God, they asked that I had no idea. Rest assured the same holds true for this. Some people might not even know they were like you, or want to do similar things, or others will have wanted to for tthe longest time but never sought out the opportunity. So if you are able and willing, I encourage you to create your own place in this world, others may or may not want to join but trust me when I say at least one other person will thank you for doing what they never had the courage to do. 

Not the one? 

How does it feel to have someone fully in love with you and you can’t even reciprocate the feelings of wanting to be friends? Horrible, especially because now I understand when guys feel this way towards me. I hate how I can see all of the different views and understand that although I am great, I may not be the great that he needs. So I walk away and they don’t stop me. Just like I don’t stop those that walk away from me.