Decisions

When I first started dating my now boyfriend, my ex contacted me. He said he had been thinking and dreaming of me. At that point I realized I had two choices, one was to continue to explore my new-to-be relationship and the other to go back to the guy who made me wonder where he was at night, what his feelings were, the exciting guy. To me the choice was simple and logical. I would explore the new guy I was dating because he was funny and cute and made my heart flutter with how much we had in common. I have come to realize that this is not as easy for everyone as it was for me.

In Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw was dating a great man who’s name was Aiden, who wanted to introduce her to his parents, who forgave her after she cheated, who helped her friends when she couldn’t, yet when the mysterious Big, calls her each time she runs back to him. Does this explain why there was an increase in divorce rights? Although among millennials the rate has decreased?

I’m glad I made the right choice for me. ┬áHe is sensible, sometimes arrogant, pushes me out of my boundaries, silly, goofy, sweet, a much more complex person than Big was. This was also when I realized I was not Carrie, I am Miranda. Which ironically, when I kept getting that result in the which Sex and the City Character are you I kept denying but now I’m actually quite happy. Miranda is a dynamic character, who is logical and responsible and you know what? That suites me just fine.

Ted and Robin

I met someone. He is extremely caring and has this optimistic view of the world. He makes my day brighter. He makes everything less complicated. He makes me happy. He listens to me, he waits for me, he appreciates me. He is exactly what I needed. What I need. I felt like I was drowning, I still do, and he is my life saver. He came just in time too. On September 7, 2015 at 2 am in the morning after copious amounts of drinks, I met him. He made me laugh and that’s all it really took. I liked him. He was fascinating and interesting and new and had the biggest smile on his face. He asked me for my number and I said no. He asked me out on a date and I said no. His dream is to be president so I agreed to go on a date with him when he was president. The next day he leaves. I feel extremely sad and hurt he didn’t so much as look for me. He didn’t want to see me again. I texted my friend around noon and asked if they had left. She responded with yes. That was my answer. I was again unwanted. No sooner did I realize this then did I immediately wanted to let him go. I wanted to move on and be happy again. I met him for an instant but he changed everything about how I viewed the world, people, everything.

An hour or so later I receive a message asking me if it’s alright if my friend gives my phone number to the guy I just met. I responded cooly, “Only if he’s asking for it you know?” So she gave him my number. We have been talking since. Things are kind of hard because he lives so far away. I called him one night, while intoxicated, and asked him to be my barney. At that time I thought Barney and Robin stayed together and were the ones that were happy. He tried to tell me that they got divorced but I refused to believe it. So I made him promise to be my Barney. Which he did after he heard he could not sway me. A couple of days afterwards we talked about it and I finally realized Barney and Robin do not stay together so I became his Robin and he became my Ted. Two very unlikely people to like each other, yet they did and somehow through all of the hardships and obstacles they faced they stayed friends as well as ended up together in the end.

I tried pushing him away. I tried the “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” method. Didn’t work. Albeit it probably didn’t work because he knew I was trying to get rid of him, but he still stayed. I gave up because it’s too difficult to try and hold myself back from feeling what I feel.

We both know we met at the wrong time so we decided we were like Ted and Robin. That maybe someday we will end up together but not today. I don’t like this, but it’s not fair for me to tell him to keep fighting when I’m the one pushing him away, so I let him go. I’m letting him move on and I’m going to move on as well. I’ll go on dates and try to forget him. Maybe hopefully some future day we’ll end up together but for now we can’t hold each other back and it breaks my heart. I’ve honestly only felt like this once before and it broke me but at least this time there’s hope and me being the stupid person that I am will keep that hope alive.

A fork in the road

Do you know what sucks? You can only live through moments once. After that they are gone *boom* *poof* gone forever. I wish I could recreate the past. I wish my life were a movie that I could play and replay again and again. Im not ready to move on. I’m not ready to make so many decisions. I have no plan as to were to go. I want to experience life but not if it means having to let go. I can’t. That is my mortal flaw. I am a hoarder . Specifically, I hoarder memories and experiences. I can’t let go. I am not ready. How do I let go? How do I move on? My experience are each like a photograph that I refuse to throw out but if I don’t throw them out then I won’t be able to move forward and create new memories. So, what do I do? Do I let go or hold on tighter? Decisions, decisions. I feel sad. I sometimes think I am depressed and do not think the amount of sadness I feel is normal. How do I push through? By addressing it, saying I’m not going to be sad anymore and distracting myself.
I don’t want feel like this. I don’t know how to stop but I’ll stop talking about that now.
Until next time,
XOXO
A