Jealous Makes You SIck

Sometimes I wonder why I hate this one girl so much. Sometimes I think it stems from the fact that my boyfriend left me to go to talk to her at a festival (we had just started dating and I was insecure). Sometimes I think it stems from the fact that she has never been nice to me or wanted to be my friend, but sometimes I realize that it’s probably that she living the life I would have had. The life I chose to abandon for what I am passionate about. The life of stability, tranquility and honor for a life that is a little bit more selfish. How can you compare oranges to apples? You can’t. So, then why do I compare myself to her so often? Why do I envy when she gets to travel and take great pictures and become who I thought I wanted to be? Do I still want to be that? Or is it simply that I miss the tranquility of knowing there was a job waiting for me at the end, a world in which there is direction and a set path to follow?

I realize that comparing myself to others is not fair for either one of the individuals in question but to me it is human nature. I want to feel that I am better than her in every possible way. Does this stem from the fact that I see her as a threat? Why do I feel this particular way towards her? Maybe because I think we are in the same level to be compared and I don’t feel successful enough to win. How can people call her not a catch when I think she is better than me? I wish I could stop comparing myself.

You’re stupid. Who could ever love you? You that always speaks with the truth? You that see everything? You that cares too much. Who could ever love someone like you? Someone that over analyzes everything? Who could ever keep loving you after you show that you actually care? Who could actually put up with you? No one. No one cares. No one could ever love you or keep loving you after you reveal yourself. Thoughts that cross my mind when I let my depression get to me…I’m not going enough for anyone. I never will be, but that’s why I’ve decided to for us on my career from now on. I may not be good enough for another person but I’ll be better than good for my job. 

Medical

I’m a resident. I am in the woman’s restroom along with my supervisor. She demands for me to tell her everything I can about a certain case. I cave in and tell her. She then asks to borrow my make up. I find it strange but once again she is my supervisor. I then realize that what she wants is not to help. She just wants to get the male doctors attention. Scandalized, I confront her,

“ALL YOU WANT IS THE MALE DOCTORS ATTENTION! You want Dr. K and Dr. A to pay attention to you.”

She responds calmly, “I’ve been here 22 years and have nothing to show for it I thought it was time for a change.”

“How can you put yourself before your patients?! How can you risk a patients life because you want to impress a few doctors or get a little attention for yourself?” 

“Get out of here resident. You are out of place.” She replies condescendingly. 

I storm out of there with all the possible drama I could muster while keeping my dignity which isn’t much mind you. Right outside the door I start breaking down. The woman’s bathroom exit was situated so when the woman exited and men exited they face each other. As I walked out, it just so happened that Dr. K and Dr. A were also coming out of the bathroom. Short backstory on them, they are supposedly the hottest doctors of the hospital. Dr. K looks like a mix of wolverine and captain America with dirty bronde hair and blue eyes and there is never anything boring about him; he is basically another child. He is also 6’0. Dr. A looks like an Italian god. He has olive smooth skin and green eyes. He is 6’1. He is also supposedly the smartest doctor of the hospital having graduated 2 years early. So obviously when they asked what was wrong I just went over and let Dr. A hold me. I cried and told him that my supervisor didn’t want to help people, all she wanted was attention. He listened to me and was extremely understanding. As I looked up I saw Dr. K heading towards my supervisor. I rushed to him and exclaimed, “Have you not been listening?! All she cares about is herself!”

To which he replied to with a shrug. 

Dr. A told me to not to worry that Dr. K knew what he was doing. 

Dr. A and I became close after that. We hung out after work and after months we became intimate. He kissed me when we were watching Men in Black, or rather having a marathon of Men in Black. As he kissed me I thought life could not get better than this. I was happy content in my place. Until he disappeared one day and that’s where my life became a wreck….