Lately I've been thinking that I want to build an empire. I want to not just work but build something great, but what? In this modern world with so many people it's a question of beating people to the punch not just coming up with the idea. I am good at bargain shopping. I am good at waiting for a sale and keeping watch on items that I want but what about that? What can I do with that? I'm good at being resourceful when times call for temporary fixes but what then? What can I do? I just need to keep thinking this over. One of the hardest parts is coming up with what you want to do and then doing it. Let's see what happens. Sorry for the ramble just had to put it down on paper.
Have you ever felt so obsessed with comparing yourself to other people? Almost as some people are obsessed with checking Facebook or checking instagram you check those people you don’t like or don’t like you just to make sure you’re still the “more liked one”. Well why is it not enough? Why am I feeling so empty. I need to learn to let go of those people that don’t like me. To enjoy the moment. That’s one of the hardest things for me because in this age of social media it’s so difficult to not compare yourself to that gorgeous girl in your Art history class that seems to have everything. It’s a feeling that is all consuming, something to struggle with but why?
They all say we, as humans, tend to like things, places, people that have become more familiar or are already familiar. I had not realized that until I realized the reason why I go to church sometimes. No, it is not that I am particularly religious or that I go to repent, sometimes I go to mass because I have a sense of nostalgia. This sense of nostalgia reminds me of when I was younger and my parents used to take me to church before my sister was born, or after when she was old enough and we would all go. In the midst of a crazy week, I could count on this serene place of comfort. When we went to mass, it was almost as if time stopped in the outside world. There are few places were the environment has a since of reverence and a crowd of people are able to hold it together enough to have moments of absolute silence where a pen being dropped could be heard and this was one of those places. For me, mass is a sense of mediation, a place where I can look retrospectively back at my life and feel comfortable because I am not expected to speak if I do not wish to do so. I feel truly comfortable because I can be around people but do not have say a word. I can just observe.
It was during one of these observations that I had a strange thought. These rituals, such as Ash Wednesday, will one day be obsolete. So I looked around the beautiful church, with the carefully crafted stain glass windows with the light shining through them giving the depictions on the windows a glimmer, at the faithful father standing before us devoting himself to the church, at the pews with people with so much faith and hope, at the beautiful and cleverly carved columns and roof. I looked on to this sea of people and sudden they were gone. In there place was nothing but vines growing on the walls, crawling towards the inside of the decrepit walls of the once great church. Mother Earth reclaiming what we had only just borrowed from her. Her long over due taxes finally being claimed. In that moment is when I realized we are living in an era that no one else will get to see but only read about in their textbooks like we read about those before us. We are time travelers in our own sense. So take those small moments to observe, to not talk but listen because how you see the world, no one will ever see the same way you do.
I met someone. He is extremely caring and has this optimistic view of the world. He makes my day brighter. He makes everything less complicated. He makes me happy. He listens to me, he waits for me, he appreciates me. He is exactly what I needed. What I need. I felt like I was drowning, I still do, and he is my life saver. He came just in time too. On September 7, 2015 at 2 am in the morning after copious amounts of drinks, I met him. He made me laugh and that’s all it really took. I liked him. He was fascinating and interesting and new and had the biggest smile on his face. He asked me for my number and I said no. He asked me out on a date and I said no. His dream is to be president so I agreed to go on a date with him when he was president. The next day he leaves. I feel extremely sad and hurt he didn’t so much as look for me. He didn’t want to see me again. I texted my friend around noon and asked if they had left. She responded with yes. That was my answer. I was again unwanted. No sooner did I realize this then did I immediately wanted to let him go. I wanted to move on and be happy again. I met him for an instant but he changed everything about how I viewed the world, people, everything.
An hour or so later I receive a message asking me if it’s alright if my friend gives my phone number to the guy I just met. I responded cooly, “Only if he’s asking for it you know?” So she gave him my number. We have been talking since. Things are kind of hard because he lives so far away. I called him one night, while intoxicated, and asked him to be my barney. At that time I thought Barney and Robin stayed together and were the ones that were happy. He tried to tell me that they got divorced but I refused to believe it. So I made him promise to be my Barney. Which he did after he heard he could not sway me. A couple of days afterwards we talked about it and I finally realized Barney and Robin do not stay together so I became his Robin and he became my Ted. Two very unlikely people to like each other, yet they did and somehow through all of the hardships and obstacles they faced they stayed friends as well as ended up together in the end.
I tried pushing him away. I tried the “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” method. Didn’t work. Albeit it probably didn’t work because he knew I was trying to get rid of him, but he still stayed. I gave up because it’s too difficult to try and hold myself back from feeling what I feel.
We both know we met at the wrong time so we decided we were like Ted and Robin. That maybe someday we will end up together but not today. I don’t like this, but it’s not fair for me to tell him to keep fighting when I’m the one pushing him away, so I let him go. I’m letting him move on and I’m going to move on as well. I’ll go on dates and try to forget him. Maybe hopefully some future day we’ll end up together but for now we can’t hold each other back and it breaks my heart. I’ve honestly only felt like this once before and it broke me but at least this time there’s hope and me being the stupid person that I am will keep that hope alive.
I really do not care if anyone is reading this and I am not in a people pleasing mood. I honestly did not plan on writing for a long time. I am truly disappointed. Disappointed in myself, disappointed Mexico, disappointed with the world. 43 missing student teachers. 43 people. That is more than one of my classes. 43 innocent people who deserved to live because they wanted to enlighten the world. They wanted to teach, one of the most noblest jobs that there is. Without teachers I would not be where I am today. In first grade, my teacher gave me a basket of books and wrote inside each of them telling me how much she hoped I would enjoy that book and why she thought that was the right book for me. She gave me literature and love for it. My 3rd grade teacher showed me compassion and discipline. My 8th grade teacher showed me to be myself, that as long as I liked myself I would be more than okay. My 9th grade science teacher led me to the discovery that I have a passion for medicine. My 10th grade math teacher showed me how to love something I hated. Finally my last high school English and Math teachers have shown me how to find myself again when I lost myself. Many members of my family are and want to be teachers.
Whoever killed them, you have no idea how much hatred is in my body for you. You have no idea what you have done. You took that opportunity from so many needing children and I hate for that. To do something like you did does not take guts but cowardice. A brave hero is not one who stands when they have nothing to lose, but one who stands when they have everything to lose. So much pain you caused I do not know who you are, but I do know one thing you need a lot of pity. For what you did is an abomination. I pity you. I pity you for what led you to commit this act. I pity you for the disrespect you have shown. I pity you, most of all, for robbing your children of teachers. I do not care if you think, there are more teachers in the world. When you attack the intellectuals, those who love to learn and those who love to teach you are attacking all teachers and future generations. Are you so primitive that you must revert to violence to get what you want? Are you so primitive that you cannot hear another voice other than your own? Are you so primitive that you cannot let others grow for the fear you will fall behind? I pity you for your ignorance. Stay within your limits. Do not attack those who have opinions different than your own, do not attack those who wish to grow and Learn and teach and illuminate others. Do not do that because when you do, you attack all of mankind. Have you ever heard of anyone who beat all of mankind? No, neither have I.
I sincerely pity anyone involved with the kidnappings,
Nothing can substitute experience.