In a world where everything is adjustable, where you can tailor just about anything to your needs, have we lost the method of compromising? Is compromising a forgotten skill of the past? Where everyone is looking for a love that stays as fiery as it once was and will not settle for less. Maybe this is the reason less people are getting married. Once upon a time marriage and relationships were about compromise but maybe now people aren’t as well to compromise for just any person and maybe that is a good thing.
Some days will be great. Others to be honest will suck and if you are anything like me you are so fickle you cannot decide what you want. I know this is a bit different from my previous post, but that is what life is all about.
Yesterday, as I attempted to fall asleep, I started weeping for everything that I lost. I know my loss is not as great as others, but to me it felt as if I were losing the world. I know the first, true heartbreak is always the hardest, or so I’ve been told. I’ve also been told that everything heals with time and while that is all good and well…what happens in the meanwhile? While you wait? What I wanted to do was mope and cry and ask why, but, finally thank God, my family and friends got through to me and told me that if he couldn’t realize what he had then I was better off. For two years I spent all of my time and energy into a relationship that would someday end with me walking down the aisle. When he broke my heart and immediately started dating someone new it broke me even more. Even more so when they decided to rub their new relationship in my face. I did not think I would survive. Kind of silly, huh? Especially since there are people in the world who have to deal with hunger and anger and rape and war. In that moment at 12:20 am, I hated myself. I asked myself how stupid I was for letting someone hold so much power over me and I made the best decision I think I could have made. I started talking to a friend.
This said friend helped me forget about the guy who did not deserve my attention and instead helped me focus it on other things. We started talking at 12:52 am and kept talking and talking until one hour passed…then two…then three and we talked about everything. He listened to me and made me laugh and blush and for that I thank God (although he does not believe in a higher being which I think is his right as a human to believe or to not believe, much like William Shakespeare once said “To be, or not to be,” let people decide what they think is best for themselves, eventually they’ll learn hopefully they will). He is unlike any guy that has ever approached me, and to be honest? He’s my type, but he isn’t at the same time. He is physically attractive and funny and smart and he is silly and romantic which is more than I could ever as for. On the other hand though, he’s more feminine and vain and is so sweet and he’s thinner than the usual guys I like, but I like him. I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s so sweet and in a perfect world I would fall head over heels but this world is anything but perfect. I have to be a realist about this I cannot just be spontaneous without thinking about the future, about what will happen if I fall for him.
Then there’s my best guy friend that I sort have a crush on, yet I have to hear him talk about other girls. He’s sweet and polite and my religion so everything would be simple with him. To be honest I can’t blame him for not thinking I could like him. In the 7th grade he asked me out, in front of everyone no less, (I didn’t have a crush on him then) and I said yes, but two days later I told him it might be best to just stay friends. We kind of stopped talking for a long while and then when we talked it would be at church (we go to the same church). Finally after getting back in touch I realized I had a crush on him. He is rough and likes the outdoors and he is strong and manly and smart and funny and comfortable.
I am so fickle I don’t even know what I want. Even if I did know what I wanted, I couldn’t do anything about it because I’m not ready for the heartbreak that comes from senior year relationships. If either of them ever reads this and figures out I’m talking about them, then I might as well just die out of embarrassment! Luckily neither of them will likely ever see this, but enough about my life and enough of my rambling.
Whether it’s their laugh you fall in love with or after all the skyping and facetiming and laughs you fall in love with that person now is the time to realize it is the small things in life that make life all that much better. Whether you are in a relationship or you just broke up with someone please remember to think of their feelings and not rub anything in their face shall we? Whether it’s smiling like a fool because the guy you like ends the call exactly 4 hours because you said it would be special. Whether it’s just the sun on your face. Whether it’s an amazing song you hear in the radio or whether it’s a your favorite drink on a gloomy day don’t forget that the only person that has to accept you is yourself. That lesson took me a while to understand and I don’t think I have it down yet, but I’m working on it. Please don’t forget that even if someone is rude to you or mean you never know what their battle is and try to be understanding (although it’s fine to lose your temper sometimes, God knows I have; we are all human after all), but most importantly don’t forget that it is the small things in life that make our life worth living. It’s good to wish, but it’s even better to go out there and get what you want. Now sorry for my fickleness and my rambling, I’ll let you get back to your life thanks for letting me just get my thoughts out there because honestly I have no idea what I want or what I’m going to do.
Until next time,
P.S. this song reminds me of the first guy (let’s call him silvertongue from now on)